Framily < Jesus

I decided to get back into writing. It’s been a crazy two-years around here for me. And I’ll tell you about it here. But, it was so interesting that this was the latest draft I had started. And, given some of the stuff that’s happened over the last two years, it seemed really fitting to go ahead and use this draft as my update post to get back into the swing of things. Be warned, this post isn’t all sunshine and butterflies. It’s very real and honest to the core. I’m not saying that all the words contained here are gospel wisdom, far from it. But, they are where I have been for the last two years of my journey and where I am at present as I write this. Maybe it can help you know you’re not alone? Maybe it can help you understand why someone else is struggling? Maybe I just needed to write this to help myself. Regardless, I know it’s what I’m supposed to do. So, in the great words of Samuel L. Jackson, hold onto your butts…

I’ll give you the abbreviated version. Two years ago, life took a turn. It was a turn professionally and personally. We’ll start with the professional turn. I was elected president of a national organization for people that work in church media and communications. It was a humbling and honoring experience. (spoiler: I just got re-elected for a second term) I had no idea what I was getting into, but I knew I had one purpose. I had to reinforce the emphasis of that organization on encouraging the members spiritually, emotionally, and professionally. The work we do is hard. Really hard. And, there’s not a lot of other jobs like it. I jumped into the venture with two new officers at my side, none of us ever having served before. We also didn’t have the luxury of having an experienced officer serving with us. We certainly had the former president to lean on, but he had served his two terms (plus a year; thanks COVID) and I knew he needed a break. So, I tried to not bring him in anymore than necessary.

During that first year, some things changed at work. My boss understood the need for some things to shift and allowed me to move to a slightly different role. Still helping in those areas I had been in, but at a different level, almost safeguarding. But, a lot of transition occurred and I ended up taking on a lot of alternate tasks and projects in the immediacy which caused a lot of soul searching and almost a feeling of wandering in the woods. During that time there were several opportunities that came up. Some at other churches, some at non-church companies that wanted me for my skillset. Ultimately, through lots of prayer, reading of the Word, and wise counsel, it wasn’t time for me to leave where I was. So, in the face of not having a solid roadmap to follow (which is always a problem for this control freak), I stayed put. And God has been so faithful. Sometimes things happen and we don’t understand. We don’t have to. He’s in control. And we have to have faith that He knows what He’s doing and He’s working through decisions even if we don’t understand. Funny thing is, I know this to be true time and time again, yet it’s always hard for me to have faith in the midst of anything.

During that time frame, a lot of challenges happened on the home front. From a COVID hospital admittance (which turned out to be a respiratory infection that they just KNEW was COVID, but wasn’t), to a bout with skin cancer for my wife, to losing our two pups 1 year apart… the home front wasn’t a super stable place either.

Now to the last portion of the catch-up, and the title of the post, the Framily. Through all the ups and downs, you want people around you that can support you, cheer for your victories, empathize your losses, help you up when you’ve fallen, and knock you down if you get too big for your britches. And, for a season, we had that. It was magical and glorious. But, like all the other instability faced in the last two years, this piece of the pie was also deteriorating. Not all at once, mind you, but little pieces at a time were falling apart. And looking back, I was foolish not to recognize it sooner.

The short version is that, due to a rather nasty confrontation by some folks that we had considered Framily (friends that become family), we moved to the fringe. The confrontation wasn’t necessarily unwarranted. The truth is, my wife and I had unknowingly been saying things that weren’t received well. We acknowledged that and tried to apologize. But, when that’s not good enough and people start calling you (expletive) names, it’s clear that they weren’t interested in a loving confrontation to correct a mistake and offer forgiveness. No, they were out for blood. I suspect we’ll never know the truth. There was never an attempt at an apology outside of one that was presented as “we don’t like the stress this has put on others in our friend group so we need to fix that.” The warhead went off, the damage was done, and then came time for the fallout. It was very toxic. And, we knew it, but we were so desperate not to lose such good friends that we held on.

As time went on, the toxic nature of the nexus became more and more apparent. As other people that we had been friends with were introduced, they too began being split between the two sides of the divide. And, it bred more toxic waste. Fast forward to this year. And it was a culminating moment for my wife and I. It was apparent that, no matter how much we wanted it to, things were never going to recover. We had tried to apologize for our part in the struggle, but were dismissed. And we were never apologized to. And the nexus had made its decision… They may not have said it out loud, or at least not to us, but they had decided. Their actions spoke. When we were attacked, wounded, hurt, and needed support, they didn’t take action. That translated to us as they didn’t really value us as much as it seemed, or they agreed with the attackers enough to want to see us hurt and wounded. It just took us two years of foolishly holding on the loose threads to figure it out.

My wife and I recently sat at the table listening to them share all the fun they had and all the good times and it was apparent we didn’t belong there. There was the obligatory “everyone missed you at…” comment that seemed more laced with “why don’t you get over being attacked and just suck it up” than it did a genuine commentary on people wishing we were present at whatever event.

Actions > Words

The conversation that night continued as things were discussed that included inside jokes between our attackers and the rest of this group. All the more adding to the realization that we were out of place. We didn’t belong. So, we ripped the band-aid and decided it was time to stop subjecting ourselves to the hurt an the constant reminder that these people, our “framily” didn’t value us enough to confront, stand up to, address, and seek resolution to what these other people had done to us. They didn’t care. And the lack of communication since pulling the band-aid has also proven that we must have been right in our assessment that we were just clinging to something that was fleeting. These people were “good people” but our friendships weren’t centered around Jesus. The foundation collapsed.

So, I have you completely depressed or at least feeling sorry for me now? Don’t. There is a valuable lesson to be learned here. All the things I clung to, my career, my church, my home status, my framily… they are all secondary to Jesus. I’m not saying any of them are/were bad. I’m just saying that they can’t replace the stability and the need to be dependent upon Jesus. If you think or one iota that going through such unknowns with work, dealing with such hurdles at home, and being completely left alone and isolated with our entire core group of friends fades off into the sunset isn’t hard, you’re wrong. I have cried more in the last few weeks over all the heartache and stress than I have since my mom died. But all those things pale in comparison to what Jesus has done for me. And what He continues to do.

I had to lean on Jesus through the work stuff. Not easy, but as the dust has settled, I’m in a completely different place regarding all of it. I’m still not exactly sure what the future holds. But, I know that He has placed me where I am in order to be the catalyst for things that need someone like me as the cornerstone. I had to lean on Jesus through the stuff at home. We can’t have kids. It’s me, I’m broken. We’d like to, but medically, not possible. And we have been close to adoption a few times. But, wow that’s expensive and difficult to do. So, our pups were our kids. And we lost two of them. But, God provided and we have the most adorable and loving chonky boy that has filled our hearts with love and joy.

I had to lean on God through my wife’s cancer bout. Listen, I have not prayed as hard as I have when I had to take my wife’s bandages off her eye and apply medications to her open wounds. I don’t deal well with that sort of thing. But, she was in pain and needed me to be strong. I had to have Jesus with me to get through that.

I’m having to lean on God now and trust that, while I’m currently hurting and lay awake at night wondering why we seem to have lost all our close friends, He has a purpose and a plan. He has something around the corner waiting. We just have to have faith and wait for Him to reveal it. And, in the mean time, we need to deepen our relationship with Him.

God wants you to be happy. He wants you to be successful and fulfilled. He wants your home life to be stable. He wants you to be surrounded by people that will lift you up and help you get closer to Him when you can’t do it on your own. But, He wants you to be connected first and foremost to Him. None of the rest of it matters if He isn’t the center of your life and the center of all of it. Jesus is your Framily first and foremost above and beyond anything or anyone else.